in appreciation...

I survived my 36 hours away from Daniel! Yea for me! I cried the night before and was a bit teary on my way out the door, but ended up having a nice weekend with my fellow sorority volunteers. Scott did great and has not told me of any trauma while I was away. I am proud of him for being such a great dad.

It is so nice to be married to someone who supports me no matter what. My sorority volunteering goes back as long as Scott and I have been together, and he has never questioned or made fun of me for it, even when I have made fun of myself. In fact, he whole-heartedly supports the time I spend on Phi Mu, and is very positive about whatever project I am working on.

I had a conversation with a friend over the weekend about marriage and how it changes when you have children. We both agreed that parenthood tests your relationship greatly. I feel very lucky that Scott and I have adjusted as well as we have. Sure, there have been, and will continue to be, times when we are frustrated with each other, but I know that as long as we communicate openly, we work it out.

My friend has kids and a strong marriage of her own, and we also agreed that you should never marry a "project." You know, someone that you have to fix or improve for them to become who you want them to be as your spouse. Life is too short for that kind of work, and I really don't think that all of that effort ever changes them. If that person is not "enough" (as Nat puts it) in who they are at their core, there is no point in committing your life to them or having children with them. I think that just leads to second guessing yourself and ultimately, dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

No one is perfect. Compromise is necessary for every relationship, and while I think people can change some of their habits, fundamentally, people do not change.

I know that what I have with Scott is not common to most relationships, and I am so thankful for the husband and best friend that he is to me, and the father and role model he is to Daniel.

Away

So, I am leaving Daniel and Scott tomorrow morning for a two-day trip to the Raleigh/Chapel Hill area. Mother's guilt has set in BIG time. I leave tomorrow morning around 8, fly direct to Raleigh, and fly back Saturday night. I think I am going to be a crying mess on my way to the airport on the Metro tomorrow morning.

This has nothing to do with worrying about Daniel and Scott being on their own for the weekend. Scott will be GREAT. Daniel will be GREAT with Scott. I feel that I am shirking my duties as a mother by going. It's for Phi Mu, so it's not like I get paid for it. It's a volunteer gig. I used to really enjoy these weekend catching up with the friends I have made as a sorority volunteer these past 6 years. Now, I feel bad for going - like I am abandoning my son, my number one priority, for something that is not as important.

Scott has given me daily pep talks. He says it will be fun for me, that as a mom I also am a role model for my son and this is teaching Daniel that it is important to have interests and hobbies in your life. Isn't Scott the best?

So, I will brave independence for the first time overnight since Daniel was born 4 1/2 months ago. A friend told me that the time away will make me appreciate my time with him more. Well, I just don't know if that is possible, because I love my time with him everyday. I enjoy getting him out of bed every morning when he rubs his face in my shoulder and kicks and squeals as I change him. I love watching he and Scott interact over his breakfast. The looks of distaste on Daniel's face as we shove spoonfuls of cereal in his mouth crack me up. It amazes me how he is developing - jabbering away, reaching for everything, playing with his toys, discovering his feet, smiling and laughing, getting mad when you don't give him his bottle quick enough or put him in his car seat.

Two days is going to feel like a long time. I bet he rolls over, back to stomach, while I am away!!

p.s. Found the digital camera, but can't find the power cord. Once we sell this place I will be able to dig it out!

Adulthood

Have you ever had those moments that make you think, "I am an adult now." One would think that getting married and having a baby would solidify my self-perception as an adult. However, I still have moments when it suddenly occurs to me that I am not 18 anymore.

Scott and I are in the process of buying a house and selling our condo. I can definitely say this time is one of the most stressful in my life. There is so much money on the line. I keep pondering the prospect of having two mortgages if we can't sell our place, having too big of a new mortgage if we don't sell it for enough, and millions of unforeseen repair costs because we had to buy a house built in 1952. I guess this is what savings is for, right?

We are going to have to learn about prevention of frozen pipes in the winter, how to keep utility costs down, roof leaks, landscaping to prevent basement leaks, controlling unruly neighbors, and my favorite, home security systems!! All of these currently fall under the responsibility of the condo management company, not me!

I guess that is what adulthood really is - responsibility. The responsibility I have in my marriage and for my son are the driving forces in my life. The concerns keeping me up at night have nothing to do with my grades, my hair, my clothes, how much I drank the night before, and the status of my love life. That was, oh my lord, 10 years ago?!? How did I get so old so fast?

On a completely different topic, Daniel is wearing an outfit that is sized 9 MONTHS today. If I could find my digital camera (which is buried in a box, probably in my in-laws basement, in an attempt to de-clutter my condo for showing), I would post a picture!

giggling

What is it that babies find funny? Daniel laughs now. Belly laughs. Sometimes, it is easy to figure out why - he ticklish. If you get him at the right moment, when he is relaxed and happy, he will laugh so hard that he starts hiccuping when you tickle him. Today, while I was frantically cleaning out closets in anticipation of our Open House this weekend, I sat down to play with Daniel for a while. I felt so bad that I was not giving him my full attention today. Basically, I transferred him from one baby contraption to the next so that he would stay entertained while I cleaned closets and carpet. I started beating on the tray to his feeding chair and singing a tune. I took his hands and beat on the tray too. He gave me the biggest toothless and grin and belly-laughed as I sang and moved his hands to the beat. Oh, that has to be one of the BEST feelings on Earth. Seeing the joy in his eyes just fills me up.

Scott and I gave Daniel his first taste of cereal this morning. Too funny! He made such faces as I stuffed in in his mouth.

You Know You're a Mom When....

1. You are waiting for the Metro (subway) elevator and you scream, "Enough with the snow!" at the group of 10 high school kids throwing snowballs 10 ft away from you...without a second thought. (That happened today.)

2. Food for serious thought includes the state of your child's behind and how many dirty diapers he's had today.

3. You think nothing of digging boogers out of your child's nose with a q-tip or taking his rectal temperature.

4. A trip to Home Depot requires extra laps up and down the aisles while you wait for assistance in appliances, an extra trip to the car to get the Bjorn carrier because your little one is having a hissy in his car seat stroller, and assistance to your car by a sweet teenage employee because there is no way to push a stroller AND a full cart to your car successfully. (That was yesterday.)

5. No matter how deep you are sleeping, you hear the changes in your baby's breathing patterns on the monitor.

6. You can hold a 17-lbs child in your right hand and eat pasta with your left. (And you are right-handed!)

7. Taking a shower involves retrieving thrown toys on the bathroom floor to keep your baby entertained in his seat so you actually have time to shave your legs.

8. You sing ALL THE TIME. Doesn't matter the song - children's songs, TV theme songs, pop radio songs.

9. You map your day around your baby's eating and sleeping schedules.

10. You strike up conversations with random other moms about your child's weight, length, and developmental milestones.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Firsts

If you read too many articles, it is easy to become obsessed with your child's "firsts." The timing of the first smile, laugh, coo, head turn, roll over, scoot, crawl, pull up, etc. are very important in the "stages of development." These articles, after covering what your child "should" be doing at a certain age, do remind you, in the last sentence, that every child is different and may not follow these exact guidelines. It can still make you nervous. Daniel rolled over from his stomach to his back at 3 weeks, but he hasn't done it much since, and so now, I have been practicing rolling with him everyday so that, hopefully, he will do so independently in the next few weeks or the next few minutes.

(Question for my Mom and Dad - did you practice anything with the four of us?)

This barrage of expectations starts during pregnancy and, in my opinion, can make you lose sight of what is really important. I think that babies need to feel loved, and they need to be stimulated and engaged, but not pressured to perform. Daniel's first smile, coo, laugh, and roll were milestones for him, but every day involves some kind of first for him. Today, he saw snow out the window for the first time, and he had his first fever.

So, I need to stop with the practicing of the rolling, and just do something fun with him off to the side that will motivate him to roll over to me. And, I need to remember to delight in his reactions to the first food he samples next week (because formula-only isn't enough for our 17-lbs wonder) and not worry about how quickly he adapts to the spoon.

Daniel memories for the last two days - flirting with the grandmothers in the post office, rectal temperature taking, belly laughing with Scott, pulling his blanket over his face when he falls to sleep

The Babies R Us Phenomenon

I hope I spelled "phenomenon" correctly.

Today I took Daniel to Babies R Us to return a "jumping johnny" doorway jumper. Babies love these things, but our moldings are not deep enough to hold my 17 pound child up and keep him from bouncing down the hallway. Don't worry, I didn't have him try it out unsuccessfully- I could tell when I was installing it. So, since the pediatrician has outlawed the Exersaucer (that story is for another blog), I have to find another activity to sustain him so I can actually do the dishes with both hands.

My intent was to return the jumper for a store credit and purchase a pack of $2.99 medium-flow bottle nipples and be done with the place. Ninety minutes and $74 later with a car seat cover, seat belt securer, photo album, cereal bowl, soft spoon, canister of formula, and the bottle nipples, I trucked back out to the parking lot. This is the Babies R Us Phenonmenon.

I try to go in and spend $3, and I spend twenty times that much. I get sucked into the aisles. Wandering about, I discover all of these inventions I never knew existed, but that suddenly, my child MUST HAVE. I put back the car seat angler and stroller rain cover at checkout, which shows some restraint, right? I think I need to stay out of the car seat and stroller aisles from now on. The back-of-the seat toy caddies and activity boards with mirrors might prove to be tempting next time.

Daniel memories for today - The hat with the chin strap. I promise to take a picture next time. I almost passed out laughing - he looked like an Eastern European. Too bad the hat is not fur! Next memory, Daniel playing with my hands this afternoon. He laid there and played with my hands and rings and cooed and squealed. It was great!

Not for Wimps

I'm pretty sure that my mom had a magnet on our refrigerator when I was young that said, "Motherhood Is Not for Wimps." I know I did not appreciate that statement as a kid, I probably thought I did though. I thought I understood it as an adult, but no way, not until I became a mother. Motherhood is work, period. That sounds negative, but I don't mean it that way. I've seen the bumper sticker that says the Peace Corps is the "toughest job you'll ever love." Wrong. It's motherhood. Having a baby has made me feel stronger and more self confident than I ever was before because it is so demanding.

Motherhood is the most physically and emotionally challenging job I will ever have. I think people often forget the 40+ weeks that come before the child's birth. I was a mother the moment I found out I was pregnant. That day, everything changed. Life was no longer about me. There was a stranger in my body who consumed most of my free thoughts. My lifestyle and choices affected this person, and I worried constantly about that. My waistline wasn't the only reason to watch what I ate and drank anymore. I was thirsty for a week and nauseous for 23 more weeks. No more alcohol, caffeine - just 32 oz of milk to keep me from throwing up every morning. No more late nights out because I was ready for bed at 9:00 even though I had taken a nap when I got home at 6:00! Kicks in the ribs, pinched nerves, swollen feet, back pain - I'm not complaining, these are just the facts.

Emotionally? Just ask my husband. Hormones wreak havoc when you're pregnant and for weeks after. I cried because I was happy, sad, scared, excited. Pretty much every emotion equaled tears.

All that BEFORE the baby was even born. The emotional and physical demands of sleep deprivation, carrying a 17 pound baby up three flights of stairs and around the house everyday, sleep deprivation, worrying about feeding/sleeping/playing schedules, sleep deprivation, reading about feeding/sleeping/playing schedules, carrying our feeding/sleeping/playing schedules, and did I mention sleep deprivation, make the job description for the position of "mother" seem unattainable.

But, you do it. And you LOVE it. And you can't imagine life without it. And if you are as lucky as I am, you have a supportive spouse to share it with, and beautiful, amazing son that takes your breath away....and that makes you want to do it all over again.

Mirror, Mirror

As I am checking my daily email today, I have Daniel set up on his Gymini for entertainment. (See picture.) He really enjoys this gift from his Uncle Daniel, and he often jabbers away as he bats at the hanging animals. I noticed he was squealing and shrieking happily with a bit more enthusiasm than usual. I look over and see that he is looking at himself upside down in the mirror that is attached to the side of the play gym. No imaginary friend needed just yet - he's having a ball with his own reflection!

Past Meets Present

Today, Vanessa, one of my best friends from college, stopped by while she was in town with her husband. Daniel was asleep when they arrived, so she and I went upstairs to wake him from his late afternoon nap. I picked him up from his crib to show him to Vanessa, and we both choked up. It is hard to explain why. Sharing my son with someone important in my own personal history is momentous. I felt the same way when my brothers met Daniel 6 weeks after he was born.

Vanessa and I, along with our other close college friends, have shared many of life's milestones (after the age of 18) together, so sharing this one seemed long overdue. This may sound strange, but it is almost like Daniel's presence in my life is more real to me when my past meets him - my present and my future.

Daniel Memories for the weekend - giggling while we play together as I sing, "We're Going to Kentucky," his first time in the Baby Bjorn facing forward to go to the basketball game (he seemed to enjoy it!), entertaining the surrounding fans at the Richmond vs. GWU basketball game with his squeals and shrieks of delight.

Love someone so much it made you cry?

If you have ever completed one of those friend-to-friend surveys about all of your favorites and experiences, you have probably answered this question. Most of the time, the responses I have seen reply in the affirmative.

When I have answered this question previously, I have always been referring to breakups or difficult times in a romantic relationship when I was upset and cried. Earlier this week when I answered the question on the latest email survey, I was thinking of something completely different.

There have been moments when I am with my son that I have cried because of how much I love him. I remember when we first brought him home - one evening I was sitting on the bed nursing him and I became so overwhelmed by the emotion I have for him. I looked at Scott and just bawled because of how much I love our son and how thankful I am for him. My love for Daniel is unconditional in the truest sense. I never knew that I could adore another person quite like this.

Groundhog Day

Two things strike me as funny. First, I am now a "blogger." I never understood the blogging thing until two of my friends did it. datemyfriendnat.blogspot.com and mygirlabby.blogspot.com I enjoy reading theirs so much, I figured, "Why not?"Second, that I am posting my first entry for "motherhoodisnotforwimps.blogspot.com" on Groundhog Day.

When my husband first went back to work after his one month paternity leave, people would ask me how everything was going as a new mom on my own (during the day) and I would respond that it was like "Groundhog Day" the movie. The same activities repeated themselves everyday. It is now one big blur in my memory.

This is the reason I decided to start the blog. So I will remember. I wish I could have done this during the previous four months of my new life as a mom. There are so many "Daniel Moments" and thoughts I've had in this new experience that have left my memory already! (This is probably due to sleep deprivation.)

Today's memory? Daniel has started to use a "blankie" to get to sleep. It's really sweet. The blanket is light blue and was crocheted with this very soft yarn by my mom's friend. He weaves his fingers through the holes and pulls it right up to his face to go to sleep. This morning, he woke up and was crying and yelling. He had pulled the blanket all of the way up over his face and couldn't figure out how to pull it off. Cracked me up. Poor thing. He did it AGAIN this afternoon. I guess he likes having it pulled up next to his face for comfort. I'll let you know when he figures out how to pull it off.